I'd rather be happy than right

Not so bad

2006-09-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

Life hasn't been so bad. I've been very busy working recently. So I should be moving this month. I'm moving in with one of the other people on this show I'm working on. His name is Zak. He is pretty cool. I think it won't be so bad living together. So now as always I have two out of three. Well I guess that I will just have to live with it for now. I mean out of the three I can live with what I'm missing. I mean I've been doing so for the past year plus so I think I will be fine until the time comes. Whatever. Its not like I really have time to have a relationship or anything. Well nothing else is new.

Too good to be true

2006-08-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah so umm that apartment that was too good to be true? Yeah it was. The woman called me and was like oh well I was subletting and the woman whose apartment it was took it back. So now I am screwed. Royally screwed. I have no apartment on sept 1st to go to. I really needed this place. I am so annoyed at this woman now. I mean if I had known that she was subletting I certainly would not have stopped looking. Now I have essentially 4 days to find a new place. It is going to be impossible. I am so annoyed right now.

It is so hard for me, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, but I know that won't fix anything so I know there is no point. Also I am gaining weight again, another thing to depress me. I just want to give up but I know I can't. I do not want to be a failure. I dont want to be the one who couldn't make it. I want to get it done and be happy. I want an apartment, a job, and people who love me. Is that so much to ask?

I finally got a staff job. Its great. I have work until november. And if it gets picked up, maybe even more. So now that the job is fixed I have no place. I'm not going to even start talking about the dumb boy, because I just dont have the time or the energy to think about that now.

People suck

2006-08-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

So I get a call friday night from a key pa I know and he asks if I want to work. Of course I want to work so I say yes. He tells me he will call me back later this weekend. I have yet to receive a call. I hate this crap. I mean just call and tell me what time you need me because it fucks up my entire schedule. I mean if it is really early I have to stay at someones place in the city tonight and I have to call them now and see if I can stay. The really annoying part is that I usually stay with the guy I've been sleeping with who has seemed very distant recently and I really don't want to have to call him.

He is the other one I am pissed at. I mean we talked on thursday and he was like oh i'll call you tomorrow. Did he call? No, have I heard from him since? No. So right now my life is really depressing. I have been sitting at my aunts house all weekend doing nothing but catching up on tv and other sorts of things. I did get a chance to organize my room so that was nice. However I am very down on life/depressed right now.

Oh well I guess I will just sit here. Or I will find something to keep myself busy. Guys suck, and not just the ones you are seeing, all of them.

Not worth it

2006-08-06T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am feeling really empty today. It was because I just got home for a very long train ride. Well it was the same as always, but when I'm depressed time is not what I need, especially when I have time to think. Thinking is what depresses me more. And when I'm depressed I want Outback. I don't really know why, but I do and I think tonight or tomorrow I will get my regular salad.

Anyway, why I am depressed. Which in a weird way is confusing with how I handle my depression. Back to point. So this guy I'm "seeing"/sleeping with (and no its not Robert, we know that is over) well I had a talk with him since some of the ways he was acting was making me feel very whoreish and not good at all. Well pretty much I have come to the conclusion that I am apparently not worth any effort. No matter how many people in my family tell me how nice and sweet and how any guy would be lucky to be with me, I feel like its not true. Not only do I feel it, I know it. Pretty much this guy, who I almost don't like, doesn't want to put the effort when I explained how I felt.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I hate this empty hole inside of me that feels so unloved. I know my family loves me, its not that I'm totally unloved, its that I want to be loved by someone who is not connected by blood. I want to feel like someone wants to spend time with me not for any other reason than that they want to.

I feel like all that weight I lost was for nothing. Nothing has changed. I am the same just thinner. I give up. This does not motivate me to lose more weight, it makes me want to eat more. Because obviously it doesn't matter how big I am, guys still dont want me. Well we will see how it all pans out. Evil boy is supposed to be calling me, not that I am going to answer, but hey whatever

The Future

2006-08-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have finally decided that I am on my way. What does that mean? I know it sounds very confusing, but it is actually much easier than it looks. A couple of months ago I was very leery about where my life was going, what I was doing, even a bit of questioning who I was as a person. However, now I am in a very different area. I now have an apartment (well at least in sept so I am close enough and very hapy about it), I have a semi-professional job that seems to be working out, and well lets face it I will always question who I am so that will never be answered. But two out of three really isn't that bad, now is it?

Now that my life seems...and I say seems very loosly because goodness knows if I dont say that everything will come crashing down..to be in order. Now I have a new obstacle-a boy. Oh not one that I have talked about before or know from work or anything. He is totally new to the craziness that is me. I don't want to talk about him because, as we well saw I talked about Robert and we saw how well that went. Now if you are asking who is robert and how did it go, well you just answered your own question now didn't you? Anywhoo all I will say is he is nice, sweet, and I like him. That is all I am giving away until I know more. Which might be for awhile, considering my schedule and his. Or I could be myself and jinx it and talk about it in like 2 days. Yeah I know, lots of suspense I know.

Hopefully I will have more to post once Chloe, my "cousin". I say this because we are in fact related, but its really hard to explain. We are going to paint the town red, or maybe pink since I do enjoy that color more than red and it should be accepted since it is in fact in the red family. So lots of fun with painting the town pink.

big surprise- boys suck

2006-07-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah so none of my retarded boys are doing it for me. I mean its like if they were combined they would be fine. But no they can't be and the all suck in their own respects. Just wanted to vent because yeah thats what I do.

Weight loss

2006-07-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

I was reading another blog, http://shewalks.blogspot.com/ and she was talking about weight loss. When I was reading her post I really felt like I understood what she was talking about. In short her entry was about how she doesn't really have the motivation to lose weight. I completely agree. I am also having trouble finding motivation to stop eating the bad food and realy finishing the last bit of my weight loss. I mean I am only 25 pounds away from my goal. I know I can make it if I just stick to my diet and keep my mouth shut. The fact that I've been able to sustain my weight for almost 3 months is really great, but I would really like to lose the rest before christmas.

I guess the reason I don't feel motivated is because I thought, like Kristy, if I lost weight my entire life would change. I thought that losing weight and being thin was going to effect everything. In the end it only let me wear smaller clothing. I mean not that it was all bad, but I was expecting much more. I thought it would help me be more attractive to guys, that people would want to spend more time with me, but no..none of those things happened. This is why I am so stuck on my current weight.

I want to get motivated, don't get me wrong, but there have been so many things going on in my life right now that it has been really hard for me to stay on course. I mean the whole moving deal screwed up my schedule, as well as working the odd hours and having catering/crafty on set. Also just dealing with moving into my own life. Its hard and its not like I don't mind challenges, but I feel very lost and right now my energy is being used to deal with that little crisis rather then focusing on my eating.

However all is not lost. Since I am now at my aunt house it might be a little easier. She said she is going to start back onto weight watchers again so that will be good for me to have the good food in the house. However as nice as that sounds my aunt and I are notorious for not sticking to our diets. We will randomly go out to eat and it is bad.

I think if I had felt like there was some little victory I had gotten or that I had gotten more out of my weight loss then just losing weight I might feel more motivated. Well I just have to organize my life and get back onto the diet. I know I can do it which is the hard part. And 25 pounds is not that much weight considering how much I have already lost. I think Christmas is a conservative goal. In the next month I want to get down to 173. I really think actually having it written down helps me.

I can and will make my one month goal. It helps me to have goals because I am very competitive and even though I am up against myself, I still know I can get it done.

Me and Bridget

2006-06-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I should not be allowed to have chocolate cake and watch Bridget Jones's Diary. I mean really make me feel like crap. And to top it off make me fatter. I have to get back onto my diet. Darn this movie. Oh and her beign 130/40 some odd pounds is really not that fat fyi. I want my own Colin Firth to come and take me away. Really I mean it could happen right?

No not for me. I must have done something wrong in a previous life because I can't seem to get anything my way now. I mean I must have been a really bad person back then. Oh so wonderful my life is.

Life becoming normal?

2006-06-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really think its possible for my life to be normal. I mean really. Come on its me. So yeah still looking for a place. Thats going oh so well. Looked at about 4 places now. I really want one, but it seems like I won't get it since there are like 20 other people looking at it and I highly doubt they would want me over all the others.

On another front I am working three days next week. Which is really good, but we are going to have like 70 background. I mean thats scary to think about, I mean Rob and I are not super great at this yet. We still are having little issues here and there. I sure hope it all goes well. I think if we can handle that then I can almost be considered to be a real background person. I hope that I make some real great connections with the crew so that I can work again. I sure hope that after this movie I can get my own work.

And on the last front I have no clue what is going on. I mean honestly I don't know if we are more than friends or not. We have yet to spend any time with each other outside of work. To me that is not a relationship. I know he said he wasn't looking for anything serious, but he gave the idea that he wanted to spend time with me outside of work. Well whatever, I'm not exactly going to cry my eyes out. I like him as a friend and I guess that is what we will stay. Hey at least I get a ride out of him to work all the time, it could be worse. So I keep looking, isn't that like my life? I have lived this long without a boy, why can;t I wait any longer?

Eventually my life will get together. I just have to give it time. And we all know how patient I am. Yeah not so much. I'll keep it updated.

The wedding is finally over

2006-06-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

Finally, the craze that has had hold of my family for the last 2 years is finally over. Jenn and Jeffs wedding, which was lovely, was the most over thought, over priced, over done wedding. I love them both dearly, but I think it went a little too far. All this craziness for not even 12 hours of partying. I'm just glad that its all over and we can totally get back to all of our lives.

Now my focus is on finding a job, an apartment, and a life. So much fun! I have been searching for an apartment for a little while now. I can't believe that no one ever gets back to me, I mean how do people do business? I drives me crazy. The whole job thing will be ok, I mean I think Rob is going to try and get me a couple of days on his new job, and then I'm going try and get some work from Chris' friend John. I really hope I can get some real work. Well enough of me bellyaching, I know I can do it so there is no problem. I just need to get it done.

Sex and the city was right

2006-06-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

After watching many episodes of this show I totally understand why it was so popular. Its so right. In one Carrie says that in New York there are three major things you need while living in the city. A good apartment, a good guy, and a good job. The only problem is you can't have all three at the same time. After living here I totally get it now. I seem to have the guy portion right now, but the apartment and the job are kind of duking it out right now. I'm not really sure which one will win. I'm also not sure which one I want to win. I would like a nice apartment, but I would also like to actually have a job.

Who knows which will win. Although I do hope they figure out soon! I need one or the other as soon as possible!

Ok..better now

2006-06-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah I'm over that little freak out that I had. I found out that he was working in an area that he actually has to pay attention to. So now that I'm a little better we are going to try and keep these freak outs to a minimum. I know they are bad and in general guys are not fans of them. Especially guys that are freaked out about defining what we are.

Oh you are noticing how early I am up. Well that is a good question. Today is my grandfathers 80th birthday. I am leaving for Jersey to catch a ride with my cousins down to Atlantic City. Z got out of it kinda because she is under age and it would be really really boring. Plus we are meeting with tons of my grandparents friends so since I know I am going to be super bored I could only imagine Z. I actually lobbied for her to stay in ny while I take the long ride.

Well I'm off. Its good I'm not seeing him today. Give some forcced space so he can see that he might want to spend some time with me. Its all good.

Crazy

2006-06-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have really felt like writing often. I guess it helps me get out my thoughts and feelings. Right now I am sitting at home, alone. It makes me sad. Its hard that the new boy has not really called today. I am trying not to be clingy and needy, but it is so weird that every other day I get tons of texts and then today I get nothing. I feel kind of used, but not because of what we talked about what he is looking for and what I am looking for. I wish I didn't care about if he thinks about me or not. I want to be able to live my life and not think about him at all.

I wish I had a little more of a life. I want to work, that is the annoying part. I want to get out there and be a hard working person. I want to make my parents and family proud of me. I want to show them I can live here without their help.

There are so many things I want to change about myself. I think I can make this happen if I really want to. I just have to focus. And whatever happens with the boy I'll deal with as it comes.

Boys are confusing

2006-06-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah I really don't get boys. They confuse me a lot. So...... new boy decides to tell me that "right now i am not really ready to have a serious relationship i just want to date more though" He says its because he is very busy with work and I go ok. I know this up front and its good to know, but then he turns around and says.."will see what happens u never know what comes about when u get serious with someoene"

Anyone else confused? Because I know I am. And then we talk more about it when we see each other and he says "its not like I want to date other people, its a time issue" So I guess he is into me? I have no clue. So I think it might be safe to say we are dating. I think, please don't quote me on that.

I guess just becasue I am 21 he thinks that after one date I want him to be my boyfriend. Nope sorry, doesn't quite work that way. I mean honestly, didn't we leave high school a long time ago? I know it has been at least 3 years for me and even in high school I wasn't "high school". Personally I "date" someone for a month or so before I even have that little talk. I like to give things a chance and see how they will unfold. Oh yeah last night he used the "you're young" card. I was like are you kidding me, if you knew me better that phrase would not be coming out of your mouth.

Anyways, I could always use some advice on how to better understand boys. I figure he is just afraid to define anything. The good thing is he isn't looking for a friend with benefits kind of deal. He is acting all boyfriendy just without the title. Whatever, but I will say after a little while, say a month or so, we will see if anything is changing. You know me, I will give him a chance for awhile, but after that I will be like or we are either together or we aren't pick one. We can still be friend (not the benefits kind either), but I would like to know in what direction we are heading. See I try to have a good head on my shoulders...sometimes it just doesn't work.

Didn't take very long

2006-06-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah we know me and of course it did not take very long to make a fool of myself in front of Robert. Yeah I'm that talented. So I was a little sad that He hadn't called me yet. I know he was working late and such but I hadn't got a text in awhile so as usual I over thought it. So I send a text to Jake saying boys suck, you know normal Lana craziness that Jake totally understands. Later in the night Jake and I chat about our days and his opening. Fun fun. Well later in the night a certain boy calls. Of course I am happy so I text Jake because I know he is out drinking, I tell him "boys don't suck so much. he called yay!" Well Robert called me back when he got home to talk and he mentioned I send him a text. I figured it was one I sent him earlier that happened to take forever.

No, I'm not that lucky. Apparently I'm so talented that instead of sending Jake the text I sent it to Robert. Oh and after about 3 seconds he figured out who the HE was that called. I almost died. Really I almost did. I do not know how to make this better. So we talk for a bit more.

Pretty much totally embarrasing. I don't really know if I can top that one. Well, just give me some time, I usually surprise myself.

So I've graduated

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I last posted. A few things have happened. None of which I thought would happen. Lets see last time I posted it was the beginning of April and I was still at MTV.

ok so middle of April classes are slowing up I'm spending weekends in CT. All pretty normal. Then at the end of the month I decide to ask my cousin Ken to get me a Production Assistant (PA) job on his set. So he tells me call me when you have no classes. Ok I say. Cut to Last class. I call Ken he sets me up with Tbone, yes his nickname he goes by is Tbone. I show up three times to set to work. He signs me up for two more days. One of which is the day before my cousins wedding. I'll get to that later. Anyhoo so first night I work Ken is also there. Well then Tbone calls me for another day that my cousin is not actually working, I'm happy because that means hey they like me enough to not have me only work when Ken works.

So night two I meet Robert. Yeah yeah come on its me, there has to be a guy at some point. Hes cool, we chat pretty much on and off all night. He gets me ice cream. Then we wrap at like 5 or something and I'm all ready to catch the subway and hes all like" I don't think I like that". I'm kinda like ok, well I've only known you for like 12 hours so what does it matter. He says if I wait he will take me downtown closer to my place. I think he is super sweet. He gets my number. Ok lala day goes by he texts me and we text back and forth all day. Nice I think. We work together again, nothing happens, slightly confuses me but whatever. Then the next week we text everyday again. Blah blah blah. Still waiting for this to fall on its face because A its me and b its me. I'll let you know if anything super good actually happens.

Well after working, I graduated from college. Yeah fun times. So I'm done with that. Its crazy. I feel so surreal. Its like I don't have the obligation of school and I'm not really working yet. I feel so useless. I hope I can start really getting some jobs and working for real.

Well I think thats about it. I am slacking today and I don't really feel like writing more. How about we hope that I actually get a job so I won't be spending so much time home alone. I so need a life.

Well then fine

2006-04-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ok so like usual I give up. I give up on work, life, guys, so pretty much everything. I mean I don't feel like I am really doing anything that is going to get me ahead. I mean I work hard but so far all MTV has avaible for me is the possibility of doing freelance for an outside company, I mean its really frustrating. That is not really what I had in mind when we were looking to hopefully place me somewhere. I mean there is a slight possibility that I can actually do the job, but I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a carp. I mean its not something that I've worked on.

Also my parents are driving me freaking crazy. They don't quite understand what an internship is. They think that if they like you they keep you on, that is not how it works. I mean if they like me they can try and place me, but when you take an internship there is not a job at the end, no matter how talented you are. I can't take this I mean everytime I talk to my dad its so hows the job search coming. It drives me crazy. I can't take it anymore. I mean my family likes to harp on shit, If it gives them something to talk about great we are going to talk someone to death until they kill someone.

Then, if my life can't get any better, Jen invited me up to her house for a girls weekend. Yeah it sounded all well and dandy on the phone, but not quite how it worked out. She didn't mention that her sister was also coming up, not that I don't love her sister, she is great and if she wasn't here I would be alone at 8 pm. But its different, now I'm the fun third wheel. Also I wish she would of been like you know with chris gone away I could really use some help with Jack since now that I'm pregnant I can't reallly do much, unless its something I want to do, then I will have infinate energy. I just like people to tell me these things. I wouldnt have minded as much if she would have outright said that, like when I come up next weekend I already know Chris is essentially useless so I am here to take care of Jack, but it hurts me more when I think they want to spend time with me, when they really want me to take care of Jack.

Well I have seemed to vent enough, I have to dry my hair and see what we are doing for the day, More shopping and then I will probably grab an early train. I want to catch Greys Anatomy, and if I am going to watch it alone I might as well go home and not have to wake up at 6am to catch a train home. Whatever I'm just venting. I'll be ok eventually.

Pictures

2006-02-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here in my apartment looking at my pictures that are all around. I notice that even though I seem to have many photos, there are only a handful of people in these photos. I have the same people over and over again. I mean I'm sure it has to do with me loving these people, but it also means that I have a very closed circle of people I care about. I mean the people in my photos are my parents, sister, cousins, jack, both sides of grandparents, 3 dogs that I could consider family, and my only two friends in my photos are Jess and Ashley. I feel like I should have more people in my photos, or I should have more recent photos, I think the most recent would be the one of me and jack from august, actually I think its me and jess from christmas. I guess it just depresses me.

Snow!!!!

2006-02-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm sitting in "my" room at my cousins house, the snow is swirling around outside. It is absolutely a wonderland out there. I am so happy that I came up, too bad the baby shower got pushed to next week. However this snow makes me very happy, I mean I just look outside and I smile. The only thing better would be if I had jack laying down next to me and we were watching to snow together, but we did that earlier so I'm ok now. Had a wonderful morning with him, we woke up and had a special breakfast together, just the two of us. I mean it was only us so his parents could get some sleep, but it was nice just me and him. He told me I was his favorite cousin, I mean its not like I have competition or anything but its just so great when he comes up with these on his own, not prompted or anything. I love him so much. I love getting hugs and kisses and lots of love. Ok well I woke up at about 7 am, so since Jack is watching dora and was a bit sleepy I am going to take this chance to catch up on some sleep. Goodnight snow!

Snow snow snow

2006-02-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

i am so happy that there is going to be a blizzard. I mean yeah it might suck and something bad might happen, but its snow, how bad can that be? Tonight Chris is going to make a fire, and Jen and I might be going to the movies. I love coming to visit, they really seemed to miss me. I love it! When I got into the car Jack seemed so happy to see me, I mean Jen told me he said I was his best friend. It makes me so happy to know he loves me so much. And the best part was that he would not stop hugging me. I am really happy right now. The snow will only make it better. I am soooooo happy. I don't think anything can make it worse.

My family

2006-02-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah so my parents don't tell me shit. I men i knew this and I have tried to accept it, but now big stuff is not being told to me. Like my grandmother had to call me to tell me my grandfather was in the hospital a day after my parents found out. This is not information that we don't tell Lana. This is important information that needs to be communicated. Then there was this health thing with my mom, who I am currently in a fight with, that I wasn't told anything about. So its ok that my parents don't tell me important things, but if I was not to tell them something super important it would be the end of the world. I'm sick of this one sided thing, we agreed that since I was going away things were going to be different and they would tell me what is going on. Its just realy frustrating to deal with all of this stuff.

My mother

2006-01-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah so my mom decides to piss me off today. She likes to nag about things I can't change. Like when I moved away to college my parents said that I needed to put all of my things in boxes and into my closet. Well my room is now empty, but my mom now wants me to go though my closet, where she put her stuff. This caused it to become much more cluttered than it already was.

So now since I can really do nothing she decides to harp on the fact that its not done. She is being really bitchy, I can't understand why she insists on keeping this an issue. I mean when I come home to get my stuff when I offically move I will make sure everything is gone. I just can't believe her. Damn it. Why does she get me this annoyed.

Me

2006-01-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is wrong with me. Well so much for the guy. Thats not happening, he never called me. So yeah I'm depressed. I don't know what to do I mean whats wrong with me. I thought he was interested, goodness knows why I think. Apparently he isn't so lucky me gets to keep looking for another guy. Fuck this shit. I give the hell up. Ok well enough rant for me, I'm only getting angry and upset. I'm going to watch sex in the city and go to bed let this all go away.

Hmmmm

2006-01-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

So recently, even though I seem to be in a very great position, I have been feeling slightly depressed. I mean it seems as if I have it all, working at a great place, living in a wonderful city, starting to date again, I mean really there isn't much more that I could do. However there are still things that are happening that make me a little sad. First it seems that my family that I really love may not feel a lot for me.

I just finished working on an off-broadway show and we were all supposed to go see it one night, yeah that never happened. It really hurt me that they felt like not coming to my show wasn't going to mean anything to me. They are always like what are you doing, we want to see it, blah blah blah. Yet I give them lots of chances to see it and they never show up. It hurts. Now My cousin Jenn who is getting married in June didn't ask me to be in her wedding party. She is the first one that I could possibly be in and she decided that we weren't close enough. I mean not like I helped her move furniture or take up the tile in her apartment, no I would never be nice enough to do that. Its not that I did that to get something out of it, because I'm not like that, but I would think that since she has less bridesmaids than there are ushers she might actually think of asking me. I mean its not like it will cost her more. It just is painful.

On other fronts, I met a guy. Hes really nice. I think I might like him. However he has this horrible habbit of when we are instant messaging each other randomly signing off. I think he is interested in me, but who knows. We are going to have a second date this friday. I really can't wait until tomorrow is over. I'm sure work is going to be the longest ever on friday. Thats a given. Well if anything happends I guess I'll write. It helps me to write these things down, since I really don't have anyone to talk to this about.

My ex is a jerk

2006-01-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

Ok so I got this email from him like 2 weeks after my brithday just going blah blah happy birthday. I was like wow, super jerk to begin with and then one of our mutual friends was like hey his ex before you her birthday is right when he sent it. Then i was like well screw you jerk. I was a little touched at first when he emailed me but then I knew he was just an asshole and I am so much better off without him. Just wanted to vent.

The most wonderful time of the year

2006-01-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here watching it snow outside of my window. It is so amazing. I think I will go take a walk. I feel like I have missed out on something so special while living in Florida. I love having white winters and sitting in front of a fire sipping hot chocolate. Also playing pinball is fun too. Got 106 million points. I only have to do that well and get 50 million more points and I can get on the leader board. I hope I can do it. Well all my practice is helping out. I love the snow, it makes me happy.

I'm really not good at this

2005-12-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah I really need to post here more often. It is looking sad and pathetic. Well how about some good news. I have lots to go around. Lets see I have two internships for next semester, one is going to be on broadway and one will be with MTV. The other great news is that it is snowing outside and that just makes me happy. Last but not least I am going home pretty soon and getting to spend some time at disney. I need to wrap and send some presents, and also work on making some more. Ugh!

Halloween

2005-11-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

Had lots of fun this Halloween. I went with my cousin Jackson and we had lots of fun. He went as a little polar bear, he was so adorable. I love getting to do some of these things with him, it is so rewarding. I'm adding some photos because he was so cute!

Weird Dream

2005-08-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

So Last night I had the weirdest dream. I was packing and Marc, my ex, came up behind me hugged and kissed me and then introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was freaked out but I was ok. Although I did mention to her that he likes to cheat on the women he dates. It was actually quite great to see how I am ok. The only thing that sucks is that I still feel like he was special and we belonged together. It annows me that he wanted to stay "friends" and hasn't called me at all. It hurts a lot. I don't want to be the one to call first because then I broke down. Plus I was also the first person to call after the breakup and all that crap. It also sucks because I don't have anyone special here. I am spending most of my time with my 2 year old cousin. I mean I love him and all but I need to have adult company. I mean I don't need sex or anything tomorrow but to have a special guy would be wonderful.

Another week another night babysitting

2005-08-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

Had lots of fun today. Went to a first birthday party for my little cousin Clare. It was fun. Very hot and gross. Tonight I am babysitting for Jackson again. Had a good night. He almost gave me a problem going to bed but then he was really good.

Spending time with my family is nice but it is also kinda of sad for me. Sitting there looking at all the cute couples, Me and my Aunt are the only two without significant others. Yet she does have my little cousin Jackson who holds tight to her. I don't know, I feel so empty inside. I want what they have I want to have someone special in my life and to eventually have a family. Spending as much time with Jackson as I am I know I want to be a mom. I love seeing him learn and understand things. I can only hope that one day I am lucky to have someone who loves me and I love back to want a child with.

Who knows when I will meet this person.

I'm pathetic

2005-08-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

So how sad am I? I am sitting here on a Saturday night babysitting and cross-stitching. Anything more exciting and I don't know if I could handle it. I did have fun with my little cousin though, he is one of the most adorable little kids I have babysat for. The cross stitch I am currently working on is actually for him, it is his favorite nursery rhyme. Maybe while I am off of school I will have a chance to spend some more time with him. At least I get to spend tomorrow with him.

First day off

2005-08-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day actually off. Having nothing due, not having any papers to worry about, nothing..at all. It makes me so happy to have that and yet at the same time I feel very empty inside and miss spending time with my friends and someone special. Over the past few months I have been feeling very alone. I am moving into a new apartment soon to be totally alone. My really sweet roommate Sarah left today. I am kinda sad because even though we didn't hang out outside of our room I enjoyed her company. I am hoping to spend some time with my family this weekend, my first free weekend and maybe sun bath and totally enjoy myself. I hope to get better in the next couple of weeks. Maybe school will help next month.

Happy 4th of July

2005-07-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

So right now I am lounging by my cousins pool, playing with my little cousin Jackson. This is so much fun. I really love spending time with him, he is such an amazing little person. He is currently learning how to swim with my aunt and they are having a great time. I have had a wonderful weekend coming up here every day going swimming. I am glad I am getting this chance to play with him.

Moving on up

2005-05-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today I am moving out of my room and moving into 1503. Yeah for change of scenery. Although pretty interesting in this building when there is mold they simply paint over it an prays it goes away. Right now I am waiting for them to ok me to start moving my stuff into my new room so that this evening I can make some dinner and do my laundry. I haven't done laundry in a bit so it should be fun. It sucks because tonight I am alone, Phil and Myles went to see a new movie in another state and Theresa is working til about midnight. I want someone to talk to or at least just chill with. I need a life, I need more friends.

I went looking at a few apartments today. I have seen a lot of apartments in the last few days. I actually found one that I liked a lot, it was on 57th between 3rd and lex. I think that it would be really cool to live in, only problem is that it is a bit on the pricy side. I hope that my parents fall in love with it and want to get it. I would be a very happy person. Well off to find out if I can move into my new room or not. Yeah for school officals.

Blah

2005-05-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Everything is finished, class is over, roommates are movd out, and I am sitting here bored out of my mind. I don't know what is wrong with me. My mom is pushing me to get an apartment now so I should be going to look at about 12 apartments a day according to her. Whatever. I also seem to have no clue according to her about anything. The school is also pissing me off because Theresa can't come and visit me because she goes to Marymount, talk about dumb.

I hope I start to get out of this slum. I just don't know what is going on with me. My parents are coming up in a week and I should be happy about that but with the way my mom has been lately I'm not as thrilled as I was. Well off to clean and get some groceries.

Going Crazy

2005-05-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

The semester is almost over. YEAH! But before I can totally be happy, I have to go through hell first. Yup, writing all my final papers and ripping my hair out in little clumps. I mean really it is ok to be driven crazy by my homework. Theresa and I have been very bad, we "work" together in her room, yeah right, we totally watch tv and talk, there is no work done, which is really getting us back now. Both of us have to write around 10 pages by tomorrow. She has a final and I don't which I am so happy about. I finally finished my journal for directing, which I didn't think I should haev done in the first place, but whatever.

All I have left is 4 more pages of my theatre history paper, which is not as easy as it sounds, and my directing final. I am so close but like no where near. Ugh I can do it really, only 4 more pages to write and I am free. I can totally do it. Ugh back to the papers, I hope to finish them both tonight. *crossing fingers*

Packing IS fun

2005-05-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

I don't actually have to move out of the dorms like evryone else, but I do have to pack my room up. This is not fun. I have way too much crap to put into boxes and move them to a new room. UGH don't want to deal with this crap. Too much stuff to worry about, I know I am going to lose something.

On the other hand today I went shopping with Phil and Theresa. I got a new sun dress and shirt. I mostly got these new items for my family so that I can look "nicer". Which I have totally been working on lately. Now when my parents come up I can look nice and not feel so insecure. My new dress is green with white polka dots. It is fun. I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face. hehe.

I am sitting at home (dorms), deciding if I should start laundry, work on my papers, or just sit online and hope that I find something to do. I need something fun to do. I wonder what movies are coming out this weekend. hmm should check that out.

IKEA

2005-05-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

Went to IKEA today. It was fun. I got some cool storage items and two neat ice cube trays, one that is shaped like hearts and one that forms the ice to fit into a bottle mouth. I like them. I also realized that since my roommates are moving out I needed to pick up some kitchen supplies. I am very gald to have some new things. Theresa got her desk, kitchen table, and tv stand. I luged them from the Ikea bus to the taxi, very very far from each other. Also two of the boxes were like 45lbs. I really got my workout tonight. She had better believe that she will be going with me when I need to pick up some stuff. Other than that not a bad day. Had directing projects but other than that little detail I was good, other than being really tired from talking to my friend Jake in Florida. Yeah for only having a week and a half with roommates left!

"Out of the Darkness and into the Sun"

2005-05-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

I was a big person last night. I emailed the ex hoping that the opening of his show tonight would go well. Actually got an email back (if you knew the situation this would surprise you). It was something the the sounds of "yeah really hard show, I am going to callopse now".

I decided that I was going to listen to some itunes before class, I click on Kelly Clarkson, (not a bad selection if I do say so myself). I only really have two of her songs, Since you been gone and Breakaway. I listened to the first one and was like oh yeah this total explains my relationship with the ex. It is really nice you sing along with that song and be like yeah you sing it Kelly. I wish I was totally over the ass. I mean I really do.

Well have to run to class, my college professor actually found a sub for class today. I am so angry at him for doing that, I mean really itsn't that the point of college, when your teachers can't make it you don't have class and get the day off?? I wish someone would have told him

Homework- yeah, right

2005-05-05T01:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I totally was ready to work on the first of my 2 eight page papers. Actually me and Theresa were going to work on them together since we both had one for the same class. Well first we have to look at apartments for her because I said I would go with her so she wasn't alone and could have a second opinion.

So we go, its fun we find an apartment. Now we are totally going to work on our papers. Nope, we end up going to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to look for storage containers. We get a little sidetracked, just a smidge. After we did that we were going to go and work on the paper. Well not quite, first we had to eat. So we got to Taco Bell, 2 blocks from the dorms. We get back and eat, taking our time. Yet we promised that we were going to write at least 1 page non-double spaced. Then we are finished. Theresa lays on my bed and almost falls alseep and I jump on the computer and talk to my friend Jake in Florida.

Pretty much I am back at where I was this afternoon, no closer to being done with this paper and no closer to getting started on the next. I really have to stop promising myself that I am actually going to work on my homework, it is only depressing me.

Floor Meeting

2005-05-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had a floor meeting for the end of the year. I am finally moving out, well kind of. Let me explain, I am living in the dorms at my school. They are 16 blocks away from my school. The school has some weird rules for living in the dorms(ie. you can't have someone stay the night for more than 3 nights in a row, and you can only have someone stay over night 6 days a month). Lets just say I am ready for all of it to go away.

I was going to get an apartment with my friend Theresa but that kind of fell through because don't really want to live in the same area. So over the summer I am staying in educational housing, which funny thing is that I will live in the same building I currently live in only under different management. I'm not too sure about what their policies are, hopefully they will be much nicer than what I have now. Well the meeting we had tonight was about check out procedure. Well since I am staying between the turn over I am in limbo. I still have to pack all my stuff, but I don't have to move out. So I get to live out of boxes for like 2 weeks. It'll be fun, I swear. Then I get to live here until August 15 and then I need to find a place to live, either dorm style again or in an actual apartment.

I think I will let that one happen later on, I really can't focus on that right now since finals are breathing down my neck and after my short miniscule break down I can't have any more stress. I just need to get through these next two weeks and then I will start my new hell- Shakespeare. I am sure there will be many a posts on that, I promise.

To begin anew

2005-05-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am giving this blog thing a chance. It is to go along with the new me and all of the new changes going on in my life. I need something other than live journal, which in essence is like this but not really quite there. I first saw this site while reading a best of off of craigslist. I think that this will be the best place for me to rant/rave about what is going on in my life. Now I am not very funny, but I try my best. I hope that this will be a great experience for me. Hey I am willing to give it a chance, I got nothing else to lose!

~L