Sunday, August 06, 2006

Not worth it

I am feeling really empty today. It was because I just got home for a very long train ride. Well it was the same as always, but when I'm depressed time is not what I need, especially when I have time to think. Thinking is what depresses me more. And when I'm depressed I want Outback. I don't really know why, but I do and I think tonight or tomorrow I will get my regular salad.

Anyway, why I am depressed. Which in a weird way is confusing with how I handle my depression. Back to point. So this guy I'm "seeing"/sleeping with (and no its not Robert, we know that is over) well I had a talk with him since some of the ways he was acting was making me feel very whoreish and not good at all. Well pretty much I have come to the conclusion that I am apparently not worth any effort. No matter how many people in my family tell me how nice and sweet and how any guy would be lucky to be with me, I feel like its not true. Not only do I feel it, I know it. Pretty much this guy, who I almost don't like, doesn't want to put the effort when I explained how I felt.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I hate this empty hole inside of me that feels so unloved. I know my family loves me, its not that I'm totally unloved, its that I want to be loved by someone who is not connected by blood. I want to feel like someone wants to spend time with me not for any other reason than that they want to.

I feel like all that weight I lost was for nothing. Nothing has changed. I am the same just thinner. I give up. This does not motivate me to lose more weight, it makes me want to eat more. Because obviously it doesn't matter how big I am, guys still dont want me. Well we will see how it all pans out. Evil boy is supposed to be calling me, not that I am going to answer, but hey whatever

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