Sunday, August 21, 2005

Weird Dream

So Last night I had the weirdest dream. I was packing and Marc, my ex, came up behind me hugged and kissed me and then introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was freaked out but I was ok. Although I did mention to her that he likes to cheat on the women he dates. It was actually quite great to see how I am ok. The only thing that sucks is that I still feel like he was special and we belonged together. It annows me that he wanted to stay "friends" and hasn't called me at all. It hurts a lot. I don't want to be the one to call first because then I broke down. Plus I was also the first person to call after the breakup and all that crap. It also sucks because I don't have anyone special here. I am spending most of my time with my 2 year old cousin. I mean I love him and all but I need to have adult company. I mean I don't need sex or anything tomorrow but to have a special guy would be wonderful.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Another week another night babysitting

Had lots of fun today. Went to a first birthday party for my little cousin Clare. It was fun. Very hot and gross. Tonight I am babysitting for Jackson again. Had a good night. He almost gave me a problem going to bed but then he was really good.

Spending time with my family is nice but it is also kinda of sad for me. Sitting there looking at all the cute couples, Me and my Aunt are the only two without significant others. Yet she does have my little cousin Jackson who holds tight to her. I don't know, I feel so empty inside. I want what they have I want to have someone special in my life and to eventually have a family. Spending as much time with Jackson as I am I know I want to be a mom. I love seeing him learn and understand things. I can only hope that one day I am lucky to have someone who loves me and I love back to want a child with.

Who knows when I will meet this person.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I'm pathetic

So how sad am I? I am sitting here on a Saturday night babysitting and cross-stitching. Anything more exciting and I don't know if I could handle it. I did have fun with my little cousin though, he is one of the most adorable little kids I have babysat for. The cross stitch I am currently working on is actually for him, it is his favorite nursery rhyme. Maybe while I am off of school I will have a chance to spend some more time with him. At least I get to spend tomorrow with him.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

First day off

Today is my first day actually off. Having nothing due, not having any papers to worry about, all. It makes me so happy to have that and yet at the same time I feel very empty inside and miss spending time with my friends and someone special. Over the past few months I have been feeling very alone. I am moving into a new apartment soon to be totally alone. My really sweet roommate Sarah left today. I am kinda sad because even though we didn't hang out outside of our room I enjoyed her company. I am hoping to spend some time with my family this weekend, my first free weekend and maybe sun bath and totally enjoy myself. I hope to get better in the next couple of weeks. Maybe school will help next month.