Saturday, September 09, 2006

Not so bad

Life hasn't been so bad. I've been very busy working recently. So I should be moving this month. I'm moving in with one of the other people on this show I'm working on. His name is Zak. He is pretty cool. I think it won't be so bad living together. So now as always I have two out of three. Well I guess that I will just have to live with it for now. I mean out of the three I can live with what I'm missing. I mean I've been doing so for the past year plus so I think I will be fine until the time comes. Whatever. Its not like I really have time to have a relationship or anything. Well nothing else is new.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Too good to be true

Yeah so umm that apartment that was too good to be true? Yeah it was. The woman called me and was like oh well I was subletting and the woman whose apartment it was took it back. So now I am screwed. Royally screwed. I have no apartment on sept 1st to go to. I really needed this place. I am so annoyed at this woman now. I mean if I had known that she was subletting I certainly would not have stopped looking. Now I have essentially 4 days to find a new place. It is going to be impossible. I am so annoyed right now.

It is so hard for me, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, but I know that won't fix anything so I know there is no point. Also I am gaining weight again, another thing to depress me. I just want to give up but I know I can't. I do not want to be a failure. I dont want to be the one who couldn't make it. I want to get it done and be happy. I want an apartment, a job, and people who love me. Is that so much to ask?

I finally got a staff job. Its great. I have work until november. And if it gets picked up, maybe even more. So now that the job is fixed I have no place. I'm not going to even start talking about the dumb boy, because I just dont have the time or the energy to think about that now.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

People suck

So I get a call friday night from a key pa I know and he asks if I want to work. Of course I want to work so I say yes. He tells me he will call me back later this weekend. I have yet to receive a call. I hate this crap. I mean just call and tell me what time you need me because it fucks up my entire schedule. I mean if it is really early I have to stay at someones place in the city tonight and I have to call them now and see if I can stay. The really annoying part is that I usually stay with the guy I've been sleeping with who has seemed very distant recently and I really don't want to have to call him.

He is the other one I am pissed at. I mean we talked on thursday and he was like oh i'll call you tomorrow. Did he call? No, have I heard from him since? No. So right now my life is really depressing. I have been sitting at my aunts house all weekend doing nothing but catching up on tv and other sorts of things. I did get a chance to organize my room so that was nice. However I am very down on life/depressed right now.

Oh well I guess I will just sit here. Or I will find something to keep myself busy. Guys suck, and not just the ones you are seeing, all of them.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Not worth it

I am feeling really empty today. It was because I just got home for a very long train ride. Well it was the same as always, but when I'm depressed time is not what I need, especially when I have time to think. Thinking is what depresses me more. And when I'm depressed I want Outback. I don't really know why, but I do and I think tonight or tomorrow I will get my regular salad.

Anyway, why I am depressed. Which in a weird way is confusing with how I handle my depression. Back to point. So this guy I'm "seeing"/sleeping with (and no its not Robert, we know that is over) well I had a talk with him since some of the ways he was acting was making me feel very whoreish and not good at all. Well pretty much I have come to the conclusion that I am apparently not worth any effort. No matter how many people in my family tell me how nice and sweet and how any guy would be lucky to be with me, I feel like its not true. Not only do I feel it, I know it. Pretty much this guy, who I almost don't like, doesn't want to put the effort when I explained how I felt.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I hate this empty hole inside of me that feels so unloved. I know my family loves me, its not that I'm totally unloved, its that I want to be loved by someone who is not connected by blood. I want to feel like someone wants to spend time with me not for any other reason than that they want to.

I feel like all that weight I lost was for nothing. Nothing has changed. I am the same just thinner. I give up. This does not motivate me to lose more weight, it makes me want to eat more. Because obviously it doesn't matter how big I am, guys still dont want me. Well we will see how it all pans out. Evil boy is supposed to be calling me, not that I am going to answer, but hey whatever

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Future

I have finally decided that I am on my way. What does that mean? I know it sounds very confusing, but it is actually much easier than it looks. A couple of months ago I was very leery about where my life was going, what I was doing, even a bit of questioning who I was as a person. However, now I am in a very different area. I now have an apartment (well at least in sept so I am close enough and very hapy about it), I have a semi-professional job that seems to be working out, and well lets face it I will always question who I am so that will never be answered. But two out of three really isn't that bad, now is it?

Now that my life seems...and I say seems very loosly because goodness knows if I dont say that everything will come crashing down..to be in order. Now I have a new obstacle-a boy. Oh not one that I have talked about before or know from work or anything. He is totally new to the craziness that is me. I don't want to talk about him because, as we well saw I talked about Robert and we saw how well that went. Now if you are asking who is robert and how did it go, well you just answered your own question now didn't you? Anywhoo all I will say is he is nice, sweet, and I like him. That is all I am giving away until I know more. Which might be for awhile, considering my schedule and his. Or I could be myself and jinx it and talk about it in like 2 days. Yeah I know, lots of suspense I know.

Hopefully I will have more to post once Chloe, my "cousin". I say this because we are in fact related, but its really hard to explain. We are going to paint the town red, or maybe pink since I do enjoy that color more than red and it should be accepted since it is in fact in the red family. So lots of fun with painting the town pink.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

big surprise- boys suck

Yeah so none of my retarded boys are doing it for me. I mean its like if they were combined they would be fine. But no they can't be and the all suck in their own respects. Just wanted to vent because yeah thats what I do.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Weight loss

I was reading another blog, http://shewalks.blogspot.com/ and she was talking about weight loss. When I was reading her post I really felt like I understood what she was talking about. In short her entry was about how she doesn't really have the motivation to lose weight. I completely agree. I am also having trouble finding motivation to stop eating the bad food and realy finishing the last bit of my weight loss. I mean I am only 25 pounds away from my goal. I know I can make it if I just stick to my diet and keep my mouth shut. The fact that I've been able to sustain my weight for almost 3 months is really great, but I would really like to lose the rest before christmas.

I guess the reason I don't feel motivated is because I thought, like Kristy, if I lost weight my entire life would change. I thought that losing weight and being thin was going to effect everything. In the end it only let me wear smaller clothing. I mean not that it was all bad, but I was expecting much more. I thought it would help me be more attractive to guys, that people would want to spend more time with me, but no..none of those things happened. This is why I am so stuck on my current weight.

I want to get motivated, don't get me wrong, but there have been so many things going on in my life right now that it has been really hard for me to stay on course. I mean the whole moving deal screwed up my schedule, as well as working the odd hours and having catering/crafty on set. Also just dealing with moving into my own life. Its hard and its not like I don't mind challenges, but I feel very lost and right now my energy is being used to deal with that little crisis rather then focusing on my eating.

However all is not lost. Since I am now at my aunt house it might be a little easier. She said she is going to start back onto weight watchers again so that will be good for me to have the good food in the house. However as nice as that sounds my aunt and I are notorious for not sticking to our diets. We will randomly go out to eat and it is bad.

I think if I had felt like there was some little victory I had gotten or that I had gotten more out of my weight loss then just losing weight I might feel more motivated. Well I just have to organize my life and get back onto the diet. I know I can do it which is the hard part. And 25 pounds is not that much weight considering how much I have already lost. I think Christmas is a conservative goal. In the next month I want to get down to 173. I really think actually having it written down helps me.

I can and will make my one month goal. It helps me to have goals because I am very competitive and even though I am up against myself, I still know I can get it done.